Welcome to another Motivation Monday Link Up.
I’ve been thinking a lot about what I wanted to post today. I though about my standard “it was a happy weekend but today’s a great day to start fresh” post. Or maybe the “I didn’t do great this weekend but it was better than it used to be” post. Instead I’ve decided on the raw honesty I’ve always promised.
While both of the other posts would be true, they wouldn’t tell the whole story and I’m on the team that thinks not telling the whole truth is just like lying. So here we go….
Friday night I was proud of myself. Thanks to mother nature my hormones and therefore emotions were raging. I wanted chocolate, peanut butter, cookies, cakes, ice cream, whatever. But I didn’t. I slipped up and had a part of a Hershey bar, but I adjusted my dinner and came in Damn close to my macros. I went to bed in order to prevent any damage.
Saturday I had all planned out. Coffee, protein smoothie, lunch and even what I was going to eat at Hubby’s b u birthday bbq.
Then both girls woke up. Miss Lillian decided she was painting her nails and Laney Lou decided she was going to pee anywhere but the potty. This included her bed, my bed and the floor. All while I’m trying to get my meal plan for this week done, the grocery list and have our house ready to entertain by 2pm.
I was good, despite my own fits suited for a 2 year old, and I stayed strong all the way to the store. Of course thanks to extra cleaning delays, forgetting the grill tank at home and being generally disorganized, we ended up leaving for town at the same time Laney Lou was in desperate need of a nap.
At the store samples of mini cupcakes were out and chocolate chip cookies. I indulged telling myself I wouldn’t have the planned cupcake at the bbq.
I lied to myself saying it helped me relax against the whining to ride in the cart, on the side of the cart, walk, no in the cart…
By the time I made my 3 stops it was passed 2pm and my MIL had already called to find out where I was because she was at the house.
On the way home it was all I could do not to burst out into tears. I knew I would be cutting close getting home before Hubby returned from his golfing, bringing the guys with him for an afternoon and evening of eating, drinking and bbq fun. I had told Traci I would watch her boys thinking it would be good for miss Lillian to have there.
I knew I wasn’t going to be able to hold it together in front f people. I had know this was coming for weeks and refused to let my depression win, but I was quickly becoming weak and losing the battle.
My main concern was making sure I didn’t ruin Hubby’s bbq. I got a hold of my mom and Traci and made plans. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to stay at the bbq. Telling Hubby I wanted to take the girls to my mom’s for the night was so hard. He said he didn’t care if I went, but let’s face it, you never know the emotion behind a text. I knew he’d understand if I could explain to him while he was sober, but by this time I had no idea if he had been drinking or if I’d even have a few minutes alone with him.
Unfortunately I didn’t get to explain. His feelings got hurt, my feelings got hurt and I felt even more depressed for having ruined his bbq. Everyone thought we were fighting apparently which is what actually caused our argument.
In the end I made light of it with the guys telling them I thought it best to leave them to have their party and do what they wanted without bothering me or the girls trying to sleep. They once again I thought I was a great wife.
Before leaving, rather than having my planned chicken I ended up with a burger (bun, cheese, ketchup and a little mayo) and a hot dog (no bun, dipped in ketchup and mustard), oh and probably 5 or so scoops with salsa con queso.
Leaving the house made my stomach hurt. Why couldn’t I just be normal and have with my husband to celebrate his birthday? Why do I have to have the worst timing in the world to lose control of my emotions? It was a long hour + drive to my mom’s.
The night ended with me cuddled in bed with Laney trying not to cry, but not before consuming a sugar packed grape dessert salad, a cupcake and a brownie with ice cream on top. I vowed Sunday would be better.
It wasn’t. I didn’t cry all day, but I certainly didn’t eat great. My coffee choices were limited. As in I had to get milk from the neighbors and my mom only had regular sugar. Breakfast was 2 eggs, English muffin, with cheese and ham. This I knew I could make fit in my macros, but I didn’t have a plan to begin with so I had no idea where to begin fixing it. I did manage to steer my car away from Dunkin Doughnuts on the way home, but that effort was later overshadowed by the chocolate bar with peanut butter, pizza, breadsticks and wings and a dessert of bananas, peanut butter, chocolate chips, arctic zero and caramel topping.
I went to bed hating myself. I cried myself to sleep wondering why I can’t just be happy? Why am I so stressed and short tempered all the time? Why can’t I control my damn eating?
It was about 11 when I finally found sleep. I remember promising myself no matter what today was going to be a new beginning. A new beginning with food, exercise, and finding myself. In the 4.5 hours I slept I don’t know how much I tossed and turned or how many times I woke up. I still got my butt out f bed at 3:30 for chest day.
It was a rough workout, I actually cried at one point wondering why it was Sao hard to lift those dumbbells. I should be able to do at least 2 reps! It wasn’t pretty but I made myself push through.
Sitting here now, I know that I have a tough road ahead of me. I know that I need to find the root of my stress and do something about it. I know that I need to lean on my support when I start feeling the cracks, not when I’m ready to break.
I know there are others out there who go through the same thing. Thus is when you normally give up, you tell yourself there’s no hope, you can’t do it! But you CAN !!! Its hard but you can do it and you WILL feel better. I know this post is a little depressing but I decided to post this today because if I reach just one other person and help them pull through then bearing my soul was worth it!
Check out what my co-hosts are talking about this week…
Wendy Facebook / Twitter / Pinterest / Google+ / Bloglovin’ / Instagram
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